So Long, So Long
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Posted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 1:56 pm
Post subject: Because Honestly I'm Not That Strong [One-Shot||Short Story] |
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I posted this on one of my forums last April, but anyways it's base on the season four bipolar storyline that involves Craig Manning on Degrassi: The Next Generation. Here it goes:
It is tough, tough because I feel like I can’t control anything, that I don’t know when I’ll be in a rage, or so depressed that I think about suicide or drugs as being the only answer to get out of this living hell, there is no other escape. Everyone has been pressuring me to talk lately, well what if I don’t want to talk; would the world really end if I didn’t talk, apparently it would. I’m not alright; you don’t need to push it in my face.
I remember that day oh so fondly, when I just couldn’t make since of how to hold it in anymore, so I let it rush out and oh what a mess it made. I was issued to the hospital for days and everyone was like why, why him? I didn’t choose to fit that label of uncontrollable, drama infused, unstable, depressed and aggressive, I didn’t choose any of this. They never told me any comfortable words, they were down to business, I wasn’t some person that had a name, I was just another patient, or a number in their big heads.
The only thing that kept me sane in that hospital was my guitar and writing lyrics for songs; I have this one song that I’m still working on, but it was beating in my head, just like a real fast-beat song, with breaks in the bridge and a loud scream, all colliding at once. The only thing that will ever guide me through this sucky thing called life is the music, because that what’s it all about.
I have learned that nobody cares anymore, and I have also learned that sometime they care too much. I feel like a lab mouse in my own house, with everyone watching my every move, asking me daily about how I’m feeling and what is up with Craig. I don’t get it anymore, before it was like I basically went unnoticed, but when you put bipolar in the mix you’re sure to get something special.
Sometimes it takes no words to explain emotion, only action, but I have also learned that through action you can obtain fear, hate, pain, mixed emotions, and most importantly control, yet isn’t that what everyone seeks? Everyone wants control over their life, what they do, their choices and what they have to choose from, it is a natural human want, but mine is something that eats at me every day, because I can’t always feed its need.
There are also times when I feel no control, and that is really when it breaks the barrier from stable to unstable, because that is when it doesn’t matter if somebody tries to help me from feeling this way I’m still going to take it the wrong way, and boom boom, it comes down so hard on my heart, it pierces it’s way through.
Maybe I’m just asking for attention, maybe it’s not as bad as it seems, but oh how bad it seems then. I can’t hold it in anymore, the meds or supposed to work, but they aren’t. Everyone thinks I’m crazy, what did I do to deserve this, I did nothing. They said I’ve had since I was a kid, well I don’t care anymore, I hate this, this hell inflamed disorder.
I hate feeling this way, there are pretty much no words to describe it, it’s the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me, best because I finally know why I have felt this way my whole life, worst because I still don’t want to believe it.
I am afraid, afraid because honestly I'm not that strong, so I fear I will break, but haven't I already broke, who needs this anymore.
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