Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant. >> Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Phil: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Phil: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work..
Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lover and hide in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home.
She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already.
The little boy says: "Dark in here."
The man says: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a soccerball, do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250-00." ................
A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in the cupboardtogether again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have soccer boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The boy says:"£750-00."
The secret lover says: "Fine, I will buy them."
A few days later, the father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game."
The boy says: "I can't, I sold them for £1000."
The father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends likethat......
£1000 is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your sins."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says: "Dark in here."
The priest says: "Don't start that sh!t again!"
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. but none is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the end of the runway.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, John, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
A hunter is walking through the woods, carrying a shotgun. Suddenly he spots a big bear. He aims and shoots, but misses the bear. The bear runs up to the hunter and gives him a choice: being teared to pieces or having sex with the bear. The hunter has no other option than the last one.
A few days later, the hunter walks through the woods again, this time carrying a double barrel. He spots the same bear. He aims, shoots twice this time, but again, he misses. The bear runs up to him and gives him the same choice. And again, the hunter chooses the second option.
A few days later, the hunter is on the hunt again. But this time, he's taking no chances about being violated by the bear, and brought a machinegun with him. He spots the bear again, aims, and keeps on shooting until he has no more bullets left. But somehow, he STILL misses the bear. The bear runs up to him, but this time he asks:
A man walks into the store and tells the checkout lady, "I would like some dog food please." The checkout lady replies, "Do you have a dog?" The man replies, "Yes." So the checkout lady asks, "Where is he?" And the man answers, "He's at home, why?" And the lady replies, "I'm sorry sir, I can't give you dog food unless I see your dog. Store Policy."
*The next day*
The same man returns back to the store, and tells the checkout lady, "I would like some cat food please." The checkoutlady replies, "Do you have a cat?" The man replies, "Yes, but he's at home" And the lady repies, "I'm sorry, I can't give you catfood unless I see your cat. Store policy.
*The next day*
The man returns back to the store with a sack and puts it on the counter where the checkout lady was. The checkoutlady asks, "What's in the sack?" The man replies, "Put your hand inside and squeeze it." The lady does so and says, "It's warm and moist, what is it?!" And the man replies, "I would like some toilet paper please."
_________________ I do NOT spam, I'm just a good poster.http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c95/Xx_SoulEdge_xX/rebel_happ y.gif
Moved: Mon Mar 03, 2008 5:23 pm by RedRevolver From Creative Corner [ Art & Reading ] to Hilarity
Moved: Mon Mar 03, 2008 5:23 pm by RedRevolver
